"The Disappointments Room" Is a Major Disappointment As a Horror Experience
A long winded question. What's a girl to do when a movie with a plot that should be Cinderella horror movie worthy guilty pleasure fun turns into a pumpkin long before midnight strikes during her late night viewing session?
Stare. A lot. Stare at the lead star, Kate Beckinsale, curiously. Why did they choose a lace front wig clashing so badly with her complexion? Why is her wig worn practically the same way in every scene except one at the library, where she tucks two pieces into the rest? Does that mean this isn't a lace front wig after all since the hair and makeup people hide the hairline this much so frequently?
Listening. Why does Kate Beckinsale, or her dialect coach, think all career driven Manhattan women moving to the countryside talk like wannabe Kardashians? The upspeak and squeaking is murdering the English language. Kate, beautiful you who deserves a better lace front wig, you don't speak this way in any of your other movies. What's happening? Were you told all of America uses vocal fry?
Questions ran through my head. Why is the plot lacking here? I'm not asking for much. Viewing this late at night on Netflix of all places, you know you're getting a surprise. Movies could turn out excellent, terrible or middle ground on the good scale when you Netflix and chill. Yet, by Netflix standards, this was pretty boring.
Who is that relatively good actor playing Kate's husband and why is he trapped in this movie when he can do better? Why do hauntings always happen in rural places in films and never Manhattan, apart from that Ghostbusters remake? Quite often, "I'm bored. When is something scary going to happen?" Why does that obnoxious child character have the same haircut as Jim Carrey's fake son in Liar, Liar? Why are rural Americans in films always portrayed as idiot, toothless rednecks who have nothing to do but gossip? Why are all female leads in horror films battling schizophrenia and production companies feeding us this plot like we've never seen it before? Have the screenwriters ever lived in Manhattan and known actual living humans there who'd drive to visit an ex-friend in the South, because I sure don't know any and certainly fewer who might enjoy rural Americana nothingness for an impromptu day-cay?
There is no real ending. I REPEAT IN ALL BIG LETTERS. NO REAL ENDING! The people get haunted and move. Boo-hoo. So scary. OK, fine. The Ring wasn't scary one bit, yet I relished in its goofy horror fun.
Someone murders a cat, fictionally, but whatever, it's disturbing to me as a cat lover whose own cat is a social media star in the making. Disturbing as in "ahhhh! scary!" no. Disturbing like, "What mean people! Someone might try this in real life from seeing this dumb movie."
All in all, not a film I enjoyed, and you're talking about someone who thinks the worst Tori Spelling 90's Lifetime movie is Best Picture material when viewed at 3:00 am. The real disappointments room was my bedroom watching this and finishing it. You have no idea how many times I wanted to fall asleep until I caught sight of that blonde wig and wanted to slash it raw, thus reawakening myself until I felt like falling asleep in the next scene.